“A husband and wife were watching a movie on the TV the other night where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband to see if he was in fact cheating on her. So, the husband asked the wife if she would ever do that to him. And she said, ‘Yes, yes, of course I would, but not so much to find out who was the other woman, but to see if I could find out what she saw in you.’”
“Three men were at the convention together and sharing the same suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day meeting, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in the hotel were broken, and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Everything was up there; they couldn’t do without it. So, one suggested to the other two, ‘OK, it doesn’t matter. We just do something and make the flights on the stairs short. Like, I will tell jokes for 25 flights, and then you can sing songs for the next 25. And the last one can tell a sad story or something for the last one, all the rest of the way.’ OK, so on the 26th floor, the first person stopped telling jokes, and then the other guy began singing. And after the 51st floor, that guy stopped singing, and that third person started telling sad stories. Then he said, ‘Well, I will tell my saddest story first.’ He said, ‘I left the room key in the car.’” Down there.
“One thunderous evening, there was a violent storm, and a mother was tucking her small boy in bed, and just about when she went out of the room, he said, ‘Mother, can you sleep with me here tonight? I’m so scared.’ So, the mother said, ‘I’m sorry, honey.’ Gave him a hug and smiled, ‘But I can’t. I have to sleep in daddy’s room.’ And the boy thought for a while and said, ‘Oh, he’s such a big sissy.’” Bigger than me; daddy’s more scared. Did I tell you all these stories before? (Never.) No, thank God. Because I was kind of marking them, but I probably didn’t. But I probably told you some of this. Let’s see if I did. It doesn’t matter. If I did, we just erase it. (Yes.)
It goes like this. “A man had been driving all night. By morning, he was still far from where he wanted to go. So he stopped at the next city and parked somewhere quiet, so he could get an hour or two to sleep. But he parked in a quiet place, but it happened to be one of the city’s most [popular] jogging routes. So, he just snoozed a little bit, and then there’s a knock on the window. ‘Knock, knock.’ ‘Yes?’ ‘Excuse me, sir,’ the jogger said, ‘Do you have the time?’ The man looked at the car clock and answered, ‘8:15.’ So OK and the man jogged off, and then he continued to sleep. And after a while, knock, knock at the door again, and another jogger said, ‘Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?’ ‘Oh, it’s 8:25.’ And the jogger said, ‘Thanks,’ and left. Now the man could see another jogger passing by, and then he knew it was only a matter of time before another would come and disturb him and ask what the time is. So, he wrote a quick note and put it on the window shield, on the window, and it said, ‘I do not know what’s the time.’ ‘I do not know what’s the time.’ So once again, he settled back to sleep thinking he’d be peaceful. And then he just dozed off, and then, ‘knock, knock.’ ‘Excuse me, sir, it’s 8:45.’” Busy body.
I don’t know, this one is kind of bad, but you can listen to it. It’s called “Meet the Parents.” Seen that film? This is one of it. “A boy was so excited to finally meet her (the girlfriend’s) parents. But he was very nervous too, so he was having like a gastric problem, nervous gastric problem.” Did I tell you this joke yet? No, I didn’t. (No.) You know the joke? Kind of? No? You tell a lie. (Similar, similar but not the same. Similar.) Similar. “But the more he sat, the more the gas developed and he couldn’t help it, but a little noise came out. And then, the mother called out, like, ‘Woofie!’ And then the boy was thinking, ‘Oh, now the dog(-person) gets blamed, that’s wonderful.’ So he felt free to release himself a little more. And the mother got more stern, and said ‘Woofie-Woofie! Oh, Woofie!’ And then he felt so delighted for him(self). No problem, so he’s more liberated, more free to let go. And then the mother called louder, almost yelling, ‘Woofie! Come here to me before he poops on you!’” I didn’t tell you? (No, You told me.) I did? (Yes. Yes. I think You did.) When? (You said that one before.) (No. It’s better this time at least.) Better this time.
I guess I told you this joke too. “Somebody went to pick up a kid for preschool, and then an elderly woman was hugging that kid. So, the driver asked, ‘Who’s that?’ They said, ‘It’s my grandmother.’ ‘Oh! Oh, that’s nice.’ ‘She comes to visit us for Christmas.’ ‘Oh, where does she live?’ ‘Well, at the airport. Every time we want her, we go there and pick her up.’” I guess I told that joke too. (Yes. Yes.) (It’s in the magazine.) I did? (I think it’s in the magazine already. Yes.) Oh, forget it then. Don’t worry. But the physics class, no? (No, no.) So, I missed out some. Oh well, just could tell one more in case.
“A man’s best friend.” “There was a man with a Doberman Pinscher, and his friend who also owns a dog(-person), a Chihuahua. They were going for a walk. After a while, they got hungry, and they wanted to go into a restaurant to eat, nearby. But the man with the Chihuahua said, ‘Oh, I don’t think they’ll let us in with our dog(-people).’ And the guy with the Doberman said, ‘Don’t worry, let me handle this.’ So they both went in, and then he put on a pair of glasses and handed another pair to his friend, saying, ‘Put it on.’” Dark glasses, those big and dark.
“And then he tried to walk into the restaurant, but the doorman said, ‘Sorry, no pets allowed.’ And the man with the Doberman Pinscher said, ‘Oh no, this is my seeing-eye dog(-person). I cannot do without him.’ ‘A Doberman Pinscher, as an seeing-eye dog(-person)?’ And the man said, ‘Yeah, yeah, they’re using them now. They’re smart, they learn quickly, and my life would be terrible without him.’ So, the doorman sympathetically nodded his head and let the man in with the dog(-person). And a few minutes later, the man with the Chihuahua watched all that, so he came in also with the Chihuahua. And then again, the doorman said, ‘Sorry, no pets allowed, sir.’ The man replied, ‘But I’m blind. This is my seeing-eye dog(-person).’ And the doorman said, ‘A Chihuahua? A Chihuahua, as an seeing-eye dog(-person)? Never heard of it.’ So, the man looked surprised and said, ‘Ah? You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?’”
What’s that? Any problem? (I’ve just got to clean his paw marks off the master bedroom.) Somebody has bad paws? (Goody’s paws are dirty, and Goody got marks on the wall. So I was just going to clean it.) Oh, don’t care about it. Clean it tomorrow or whatever. It’s already marked on the walls, so how much worse can it be? It’s OK. Hey, hey, hey, Goody! What is that? What is all this? What is all this? Nobody wants your ball, man. Believe me. Go. He offered the ball. That was fun. I didn’t tell you that joke, no? (No.) I was afraid you didn’t understand. I guess you’re more enlightened now, you could listen to those. Otherwise, how would I miss that? Yeah. Done.
“A young mother asked the help of a friend in taking her identical twins to the doctor. But the waiting area was so crowded, so both of them had to sit on the opposite waiting line, each with a twin in their arms. And then somebody came and said, ‘Oh, how much both your kids look alike, amazing!’ So, the friend said, ‘Yeah, they should. They have the same father.’” As if?
“There was a 75-year-old multi-millionaire, just married a young and beautiful 18-year-old. So, a friend asked him, ‘How did you get an 18-year-old to marry you when you are 75?’ The man said, ‘Oh, I told her I was 95.’”
“A man came home after playing golf, and his wife asked, ‘Well, how was your golf game?’ He said, ‘Yeah, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad, I couldn’t see where the ball went.’ So the wife said, ‘Oh, but you are 75 years old, Jack. What do you expect? Why don’t you take my brother along?’ ‘But he’s 85, and he doesn’t even play golf anymore.’ So the wife said, ‘But he has perfect eyesight. At least he could watch your ball for you.’ So, the next day, Jack took the brother-in-law with him, and played golf while the brother-in-law looked on. And Jack swung, and the ball disappeared into somewhere. And he asked his brother-in-law, ‘Did you see? Did you see?’ ‘Yep, I saw it alright.’ ‘Yeah, where is it?’ He said, ‘Well, I- I- I forgot.’” Very useful. Just like you guys, even though you’re young. I haven’t told you this one, right? (No.) OK.
Photo Caption: No Matter What U Look Like, Just Look Up High
