“At the end of a performance, there were a couple of extras in the play, talking together backstage. ‘What’s the matter with our leading lady?’ One actress said, ‘She seems really mad about something.’ And the other said, ‘Oh, she’s upset because she only received nine bouquets of flowers over the footlight.’ ‘Nine!’ Exclaimed the first actress. ‘That’s pretty good, isn’t it?’ The other one replied, ‘Yes, but she paid for ten!’” She paid it. I’m surprised too. I didn’t read it. I did, but I forgot all about it. It’s a good joke.
“A customer was very angry because his vegan steak arrived too rare. So he called the waiter. ‘Waiter!’ He was barking, ‘Didn’t you hear me saying, well done?’ So the waiter replied, ‘I can’t thank you enough, sir. I hardly ever get a compliment like that.’”
I am fed up with saying, “a blonde.” This is really racist. So I will just say, a girl, or whatever. “A girl walked into a novelty store, and she saw a shiny thermos and asked the clerk what it was. The clerk said, ‘It’s a thermos. It keeps cold things cold and hot things hot.’ So the girl was so impressed, she bought one. When she got home and could not wait to show off her new thermos to her co-workers. She walked into work the next day, and it was not long before one of her peers asked what that shiny thing was. So the girl said, ‘It’s a thermos. It keeps cold things cold and hot things hot.’ Her co-worker asked, ‘Well, what do you have in it now?’ The girl proudly announced, ‘Two popsicles and a cup of coffee.’” (Wow.) Ice cream and a cup of coffee. How wonderful.
“The truck driver looked askance at the soup he had just been served in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were suspicious. He called out to the waitress, ‘Hey! These particles in my soup, aren’t they foreign objects?’ The waitress scrutinized his bowl and said, ‘No, sir,’ she reassured him, ‘those things live around here.’” Aren’t they funny?
There’s another one. “A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He stayed in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. ‘What time do you open in the morning?’ He heard, obviously, an inebriated man inquired. The owner was so furious. He slammed down the receiver and went back to sleep. Few minutes later, there was another call, and he heard the same voice ask the same question. Said the bar owner, ‘Listen, I wouldn’t let a person in your condition in.’ So the person on the other end said, ‘No, I don’t want in, I want out.’” He was locked in.
“There’s a young woman sitting in her stalled car waiting for help. Finally, two men walked up to her. ‘I’m out of gas,’ she purred. ‘Could you push me to a service station?’ They readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a while, one looked up exhausted to see that they had just passed a filling station. ‘How come you didn’t turn in?’ He yelled. ‘I never go there.’ The woman shouted back. ‘They don’t have full service.’” (My God.) Next. Next one, please.
“A small plane with a student and an instructor on board, hit the runway and bounced repeatedly until it came to a stop. The instructor turned to the student and said, ‘That was a very bad landing you just made.’ ‘Me?’ The student said, ‘I thought you were landing.’”
“If you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, then you can be sure that either the car is new, or the girlfriend is.” That’s the things of life.
“‘I am beginning to understand exactly how the state lottery helps education,’ a guy told his neighbor. ‘Every time I buy a losing ticket, I get a little smarter.’”
“A man came upon a youth running hard, while driving down a winding country road, with three huge dog(-people) snarling at his heels.” “The man screeched his car to a halt and threw open the door. ‘Get in, get in,’ he shouted. ‘Thanks!’ gasped the youth. ‘You are terrific. Most people won’t offer a ride when they see I have three dog(-people).’”
“The wife said to the husband, ‘There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.’ The husband said, ‘Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.’ The wife said, ‘I tell you, the car has water in the carburetor!’ The husband said, ‘You don’t even know what a carburetor is. Where’s the car?’ ‘In the swimming pool.’” I like it myself. Not all for you.
“A villager on his first trip to the city was waiting at the bus stop one morning. After some hesitation, he asked a woman, ‘Which bus should I take for Mannheim?’ ‘Bus number 177,’ the woman replied and caught the next bus. The same evening, the woman got off a bus at the same stop and found the villager still waiting. ‘Didn’t you get the bus to Mannheim?’ She asked. ‘Not yet,’ he said wearily. ‘So far, 168 buses have come and gone. Eight more before mine arrives.’”
“There were two explorers, camped in the heart of the African jungle, who were discussing their expedition. The first one said, ‘I came here because the urge to travel is in my blood. City life bored me, and the smell of exhaust fumes on the highways made me sick. I wanted to see the sun rise over new horizons and hear the…’ ‘I want to hear the flock of birds that never had been seen by man. I wanted to leave my footprints on the sand unmarked before I came. In short, I wanted to see nature in the raw. What about you?’ The second man said, ‘I came because my son was taking saxophone lessons.’” He couldn’t bear it.
I think, they’ve already heard this. “An Irish lad named Sean was doing so well with his furniture business that he decided to take a trip to France. When he returned to Ireland, his friend Brandon asked him, ‘Why did you go to France? And you’re not speaking a word of the language. How could you make yourself understood?’ ‘Let me tell you. I met this lass in the park. I drew a picture of plates and food, so we went out to eat. After drawing a picture of people dancing, we went to a nightclub. At midnight, could you imagine, she took my pen and drew a picture of a bed.’ ‘Faith in Begorrah. Faith and Begorrah,’ exclaimed Brandon, ‘How did she know you were in the furniture business?’”
I also like it. I forgot before, (for a) long time. The reason I forgot is that I screened all these long ago. You see, with all these marks here, and making notes to see which ones [to tell]. You see? So I knew it all, but I forgot already. See, I marked it. See that? (Yes.) So it’s not just today. I did mark some more today, but it is at the back. And even the ones marked, I tried to read again whether I was correct or I was “drunk” or something. Maybe you drink too much orange juice, you never know.
“A kid asks his Ma, ‘Mommy, where do babies come from?’ Ma says, ‘The stork, dear, the stork.’ The kid says, ‘Mommy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?’ Mommy says, ‘The police, the police.’ The kid says, ‘Mommy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?’ Mommy says, ‘The fire department.’ The kid: ‘Mommy, where does our food come from?’ Mommy says, ‘Farmers, my dear, farmers.’ And the kid says, ‘Mommy?’ Mom says, ‘What next?’ ‘Then what do we need daddy for?’” Useless.
Photo Caption: The BEAUTY From the Souls Is Delicate. Guard It With Your Life
